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Sibling Preparation

Sibling Preparation: Helping Big Brother or Sister Adjust

As you think about the addition of a new family member, the members already in the family are your first priority.  Making this transition as smooth and gentle as possible is the number one goal. It is also a very exciting time and older siblings can share in this excitement. I have always felt the response of the sibling to the new sibling has more to do with their ability to transition and accept new things than it does with their age.  Their reaction may have developmental twists (based on their age) but overall it has more to do with their basic personality.  With some special considerations, you can help ease the transition.

Taking the time to talk about what to expect when the new baby arrives is always beneficial.  Detailing the day-to-day with a new baby – breastfeeding, sleeping, crying, diaper changes - helps the sibling know what to expect.  Reading books and looking at pictures of new babies also opens up the conversation to what new babies can do.  Visit a friend or family member who has just had a baby.  Let him see or touch the baby if possible.

Sharing their birth stories and baby stories always helps the older sibling realize how much they have grown and how “big” they are, no matter what the age difference.  Look at pictures from when they were babies.  Make them their own special photo album of their own baby photos to look at whenever they want.  This also allows you a chance to share why they are special to you and unique unto themselves.  Emphasize how “big” they are now and how much they will be able to do.  Showing them how to be helpful can build self esteem.

Remember to tell them how special they are and how much they are loved.  The addition of a new sibling always displaces the children already at home a bit.  Anger, jealousy and regression are common emotions even for the most excited and prepared child.  It has been likened to having your partner bring home a new spouse, stating they loved you so much they wanted to have another one and aren’t you happy to share them with this new younger spouse?  Of course it will be hard to share you with a new person whose needs will come first!  Creating support networks to give the child attention in ways they already appreciate (school, friends, grandparents, family) will “love bomb” them after the birth and lessen the shock of the transition.

The other parent often takes on the role of primary parent for this older child. Having this special attention helps ease the reality that Mom is less available. Their reaction is often not towards the new baby (they know it’s not their fault) but more often towards you, who brought the baby into the home!  Keep telling them how much they mean to you and how happy you are they are in your life.  Even if they are grumpy, it will help them to know you love them.  Try to find time when the baby sleeps to do something one-on-one with them also.  You will miss this time as well.

I have always thought of the sibling relationship as sacred.  You can try out being the worst with them and the best with them and they will always be there. Through this process you learn to be a better person. Try not to compare your children with each other.  Each one of them is their own unique self and will react and be different from each other.  As hard as it is to imagine sometimes, with each coming from a similar gene pool, they will not be the same.  Stay open to this and appreciate the differences, they are special.